How you act, so your body will respond…. If you tell yourself you’re feeling sad or unhappy…. Then that is how you will inevitably feel. It comes down to what the world is talking about at the moment – manifestation of thoughts…. What you focus on, is what you will feel. And what you feel, you will begin to believe. So in saying that….. After reading this… you will never have another bad day in any of your relationships; family, friends and even your intimate relationships!!

Let’s start from the beginning – As I learned in Child Psychology, we are born with two emotions….. Love and Fear….. And from these two emotions all other emotions, behaviours and general habits are formed.

As children, we are cared for, fed, loved and nurtured as we grow up. These are all positive affirmations and good experiences that the feelings or emotions of love are associated with. Therefore, even as infants or children, we are learning all about love; the love of parents, the love of one person for another, the love of friends, the love of nature and animals…. The romantic love in bedtime stories like Cinderella…. The list is endless….

We are also born with two built in fears. The fear of falling and the Fear of loud noises. From these, negative thoughts and habits develop within one’s life. From both my father’s research and my own, that we have done in the clinic, a common denominator in problems such as depression, anger management, irritability and a relationship problem… is fear.

From looking and studying relationships between different people, in work, at home, socially and intimately, I have found that when there is constant arguing and annoyance between the two people…. Fear is coming into play. I have named this the “Fear Tango”!! Why….because it take two to tango!!

Most people don’t even realise that fear is coming into play in these situations…. Why? Because behaviour is often unconscious and therefore our conscious mind is unaware of our fear feeling and it comes across as unwanted behaviours.

Let say that you’re in an argument with your significant other, and it’s gotten out of control…. Your both angry and shouting abuse at each other…. Or maybe your arguments go the other way… you become withdrawn and go into what is known as “Passive aggressive behaviour”. Usually habitual arguing its about one or other of you, trying to “fix” the other person saying “If you would only get your life straight” or “If you could just work harder or if you would only act a certain way….. Then my life would be great!”

Another thing that often happens is called “The Blame Game”. Where one person states, either verbally, behaviourally, consciously or unconsciously…..that it’s the other person’s fault for the problems in his/her life. Or maybe they blame their parents or the economy (seen as it is recession time!) Inevitably, it will end up in more screaming, name-calling, and can even result in the breakdown of a relationship.

Some ways that this “Fear Tango” and “The Blame Game” can show up in and affect your everyday relationships and your own life can be; anger, excessive arguing, resentment, stress, panic attacks, hostility, unfaithfulness, health problems, IBS, Alcoholism, Drug or substance abuse, depression and phobias. I have witnessed it all in my clinic. And it’s a sad case when fear is sometimes the under lying factor.

So as I started this article I will carry on, as you feel so your body will respond… What you talk about and focus on… you will continue to experience…. And if you continually talk about your problems, you will just make them worse…. it’s like fuelling a fire.

Basically what I have come to realise that arguing can be actually become addictive! So when people begin to notice how this process works, they often ask me, what do I do to change it?!

My answer is. What ever you are doing now…. Do something different. It takes two to Tango, so if one person stops dancing, then the other person will have to stop to! Have you ever seen a game of squash with only one player? If what you are doing doesn’t work… Change it!!

I would also suggest that individually and also as a unit, you redefine your goals for your future.  People who get stuck in this “Rut” of continuous arguing tend to have lost sight of where they are going and what there intentions are and were when they got into the relationship in the 1st place. They are now in a process of automatic behaviour…. Behaviour that is not beneficial to the relationship. A behaviour that I, from my research, would put down to fear. It could be the fear of losing the other person, failing at the relationship or even just the fear in the argument itself.

Now that you are aware that the other person is most likely acting out of fear – this can be a reason to change your behaviour towards them. You now take on board that the other person is just fearful and the feeling of fear is causing them to become out of control. Taking on those suggestions will allow you to look beyond your partner’s anger and see that your loved one is actually just afraid.

It’s also good to understand that you are not the target…. Perhaps all the anger and frustration that is coming your way is just a way for the other person to hide their fear – and it may not be intended for you at all! You need to stop the “Fear Tango”! And a good way of doing this is what I call “Self-Calming-Disassociation” and it’s something that I would teach to my clients in the clinic. It will allow you to look at the person arguing with you or giving out to you and yet you still remain calm, cool and collected and tell yourself “Oh Look, that person is shouting at me” “Doesn’t he/she look funny when they do that”.  This is disassociating you from the situation and helps to take away the fear or upset that comes from verbal abuse.

Lastly, realising that saying you think the other person is wrong or pushing them into behaviour that you want them to do, usually only makes things worse. A push will meet with a push – like when a person says to you, “don’t look now but there is a really good looking guy/girl walking behind you” You want to look right?! Of course you do!! Or if someone says “ I have something important to tell you, but I don’t want you to worry….” What’s the 1st thing you’re going to do? Worry right! A push meets with a push! So if you tell the person you are arguing with to change their behaviour…. The push back usually occurs!

But….If you allow the other person to just be themselves, without blaming them solely for the “Tango” which you both have been participating in….. Then you might just begin to notice how fear is within you as well.

From my research, I have found that if you both calm down and acknowledge that you have both been doing the “Fear Tango” and talk rationally and sincerely about what’s been going on in your relationship and where you are both heading… things can improve.

As humans, we are continually building memories throughout our lives. We are either building them up or tearing them down. A saying my father used to always say was that “The still river dries up” and in the context of this article, what it means is; if we stop making enjoyable memories with each other, then the relationship will eventually come to an end.

However, if we can look at the people we love, and I mean really look at them in a way that you have never before, look deep inside them and see into their soul, and try to look past the anger, the hostility…. Look beyond their fear… and you might just see a scared and frightened little child needing to be heard, nurtured and cared for. A child that longs to be understood with compassion and needing to be reassured, wanting to come out and play and just hoping to be loved.
So instead of “Tango Dancing”, playing the “Blame Game” or “ doing an eye for an eye” reach out to your loved one, that you have only just really seen in a new light and ask them “ What is it that makes you afraid and how can I help you” Just Be there for them.

So then by taking that new stance and learning to look at people in a new way, a way in which not that many people really do…. Which is looking beyond the exterior and truly seeing the inner soul of the people we know…. You will begin to see that we are all children longing for reassurance and hoping to come out and play… and then surly we can eliminate, once and for all, this world’s deepest darkest fear and replace them with the love that we have inside us all.